Flickers of Gold

Posted on January 24, 2011 by Dr. Jenni

In a hurry to leave for my five year old’s friend’s “American Girl” birthday party, I search through my closet for something to wear. I have just finished breastfeeding my three month old,  cleaning up my dogs throw-up (who got sick from eating too many M &M’s at my daughter’s birthday party the day before) and searching through my wallet for some quarters to give to my son’s tzedakah (Hebrew word for charity) at his Sunday school. Tossing three pairs of jeans across the room, unsatisfied with how any of them fit, I catch a faraway glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror.

I stare at my “ever so changed” figure after my recent birth of baby number three. What happened to that pre-mommy body that I used to possess? Images of my golden tanned, flat stomach flash through my mind as I run my fingers over my well earned stretch marks.  Gritting my teeth, I ponder when I will get back to those LA classes that burn off both your butt and your brains…Burn 60, Circuit Works….whatever will transport me back to that carefree college girl on Spring Break – before I became a psychotherapist, before I became a writer, before I became a mother, before I became aware…

Flashes of some of my eating disordered clients race through my mind. Images of a short-blonde headed, anorexic woman who complains of being “fat,” her bones painfully bulging out underneath her thin-layer of skin. Soundbites of a red-headed bulimic teenager who binges and purges so many times in a day that the acid in her stomach has begun to erode the lining of her esophagus. Pictures of a sad, overweight Korean man who starves himself so someone like Meg Ryan will eventually ask him out on a date.

Putting on a pair of leggings, things suddenly fall into perspective. Why am I  (a somewhat evolved woman) wholeheartedly participating in the warped world that our society has created? I have just given birth, for God’s sakes. Why do I feel the need to snap back into a size 2? To become an American girl doll devoid of feeling and awareness? Taking a deep breath I vow to myself (as a mother of two daughters and a son) that I will try my best to teach my children the importance of maintaining a balanced perspective, owning one’s own identity and recognizing the pressures that our culture, our society creates.

Coming home from American girl with a doll and accessories in tow I reflect how difficult it is in this material world to keep such a perspective. From the time we are little, we are constantly being marketed to, thrown idealized versions of who we should or could become — if only we drink the Koolaid that lies before us on every advertisement, commercial, billboard and magazine we encounter.

We may be American girls. We may be raising American girls. But let us remember on a daily basis that underneath our American skin lies something much more delicate than our fading exterior. Unlike the dolls we buy or the advertisements we can’t resist that promise to help us look better, act better, smell better, etc. we are all desperately trying to love ourselves and form deep, lasting connections with one another. And unfortunately, finding these inner and outer connections in our world is akin to turning off millions of lights (the internet, blackberrys, ipods, cellphones,etc) to find the tiniest flicker of gold.

In my novel, The Gossamer Thread there are many passages about my immigration from South Africa to the United States where as a young American girl I struggled to assimilate to American culture. Longing to shed my “South African identity” I blended into the bland American landscape, hoping that my former self would not be recognized. Yet my authentic self, my flicker of gold tugged at me, asking me to honor its significance.

And so next time I look in the mirror, I will remember that underneath my exterior this flicker of gold is still waiting to be discovered. It is my choice – to see myself as a lifeless American Girl doll – the one that haunted me as a young girl and adolescent, that is still advertised and tirelessly pushed toward me OR a unique, educated, deep and well-versed woman with lines forming around her eyes and stretch marks lining her stomach — pathways extending outward from her golden body.

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A party for your angels

Posted on January 12, 2011 by Dr. Jenni

A few days ago an old client called inviting me to a unique party that she was having for all of the ‘angels’ who had affected her life. She had contacted a handful of people who, over the years had made an impact on her and her teenage daughter’s life. She told me that I had helped their family so much and that I was one of their ‘angels.’  This idea touched me so much – that my psychological work with them (now over ten years ago) had provided this mother and daughter with a greater sense of confidence, love and happiness.

In my Art in Mind book, Little Balls Can Fly (www.jennisart.com) there is a character (a little ball,) not unlike this teenage client:

In a small little hole

That was black and all blue

Lived a little round ball

That was far from plain view

Someone had kicked it

A long time ago

It had rolled in the corner

Its head was held low

In the story, Someone comes along and helps this little ball, filling him up with air until he bounces so high the edges of him finally catch fire and he turns into the sun. Like this small ball, due to many circumstances, my teenage client had experienced many hardships in her life – she had gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd, her self-esteen was low and she was in desperate need of help.  Her mother had brought her into therapy and over time, we built up a report. Slowly we were able to recast her life’s course and set her on a better path.

This idea, that we can have such an impact on someone -filling their self esteem up with air and assisting them in their flight is one of which we all need to be aware. We do not need to be psychologists, teachers, rabbis, etc. We only need to have awareness that others (whether they are our children, our friends, strangers that we have only briefly met, etc.) are in need of our help. If you possess good energy and a positive attitude, others will instantaneously feel this power and experience a noticeable transformation.

In The Gossamer Thread, Feather is similar to this Someone – falling from an angels wings into the hands of a man who desperately needs her help. We all possess the power of Feather. We are all divine creatures helping one another on this earthly journey. And similar to my client, we must celebrate the Feathers that fall into our lives, showing gratitude to our angels and honoring those who have assisted us on our journey.

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What memories will you leave behind?

Posted on January 12, 2011 by Dr. Jenni

Many years ago I had a next door neighbor who lived in the apartment next to mine in Beverly Hills. She was an elderly woman (a.k.a Rosie) who never had any visitors. She had no children, no pets and as far as I could tell, very few friends. She was a quiet woman with grey eyes and a faint smile.

One day as I was coming home from work I saw Rosie stumble on a loose rock as she walked back to her apartment from getting her mail. Falling to the ground, she found herself lodged between a thick bush and our rickety front door, unable to get up. Rushing over, I asked her if she was okay. Her mail splayed everywhere, she stared up at me, her eyes tearing up. “Can you move?” I asked. She shook her head slowly. Quickly, I grabbed my phone and called 911.

A few minutes later an ambulance picked her up and took her to the hospital. I asked her if she wanted me to ride with her, insisting that I would love to keep her company.  With tired wet eyes, she said,”..it’s not necessary.”

A few days later as I was emptying my trash in the dumpster behind our apartment, I noticed some large trash bags spilling over with photographs. Curious and a bit disturbed that someone could throw out this many pictures, I removed the bags out of the dumpster and brought them into my apartment. All of the photographs were of Rosie – from the time she was a little girl, to a photo of her on her wedding day to a recent photo of her staring wistfully into the camera.

I knocked on her door and Rosie answered timidly. “How are you feeling?” I asked holding the picture of her in my hands. “I found this in the trash.” Embarrassed, she shrugged her shoulders and said in a soft voice, “It’s okay. I don’t need all that anymore. I don’t have room for all that.”

About a week later, a heavy-set young woman with dark eyes came to pick up Rosie. She carried a few small boxes to her Honda Accord as I watched her escort Rosie out of her apartment. Running outside I called to my elderly neighbor, asking her where she was going. Staring at me through the translucent mirror, the car spun off as I watched her image fade away into nothingness.

In my novel, The Gossamer Thread there is an elderly woman (similar to Rosie) who never shares her past with anyone. After she dies, her granddaughter discovers many secrets about her grandmother, which she had kept hidden her whole life. Wishing there were some way that she could turn back time and speak to her grandmother, the granddaughter begins to recognize how she, herself has ignored her own soul. With this new insight, her life begins to shift and change.

What memories will you leave behind? Are they memories of love, children, pets, work, nature, home? Are they memories of loneliness, angst, pain, suffering, anger? Will these memories be cradled and embraced by many or will they end up like my neighbors, in a trash dumpster? What is it that you are creating and establishing in your life?

The way that you live each and every day is a template for the memories that you will one day leave behind. What did you do today that you will want to remember?

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How do you define the word soul?

Posted on January 11, 2011 by Dr. Jenni
Webster’s dictionary defines soul in the following ways:

1 : the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life

2 : the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe

3 : a person’s total self

4 a: an active or essential part

b: a moving spirit

5 a: the moral and emotional nature of human beings

b: the quality that arouses emotion and sentiment

c: spiritual or moral force

In my novel, The Gossamer Thread the character Feather embodies the world ‘soul’ – serving as an ‘immaterial essence,’ a ‘spiritual principle’, a ‘moving spirit.’

Called downward from a rabbi in Auschwitz onto the planet earth, there is no mention of whether or not Feather falls from a Jewish, Christian, Catholic or Muslim Angel. Impartial to religion, she answers a call from below, detaching herself from her mother’s wings and falling into a prison camp below.

Feather embodies the parts of our psyches and bodies that travel away from another dimension, detaching ourselves from this unnamed space, loosening ourselves from our mother’s wing (womb) and materializing on earth as a physical being.

A moving spirit, Feather speaks to us in our night dreams, connecting us to otherworldly places, which we only vaguely remember.  She connects to us through nature – those wondrous moments where rainbows appear, snowflakes dance and kittens purr.  In her half-angel, half-animal state, she reminds us that we are both divine creatures as well as earthly beings. We experience her presence when we feel love for another soul, when we inch closer to death and when we feel sadness and intense pain.

Feather is our soul.

How do you define the word soul? What does it mean to you? Is it a religious word, a spiritual word, a personal or emotional word? If you could create a symbol for soul – what would it be?


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Life flashes before our eyes

Posted on January 7, 2011 by Dr. Jenni

Recently, a client of mine had a scare that she could possibly have cancer. Her diagnosis turned out to be benign however the moments of not knowing whether or not she would be diagnosed with the disease shifted her whole worldview.  No longer could she remain passive about those things, which she had put on hold. In these tense moments, her life hovered before her, floating between the earthly realm and the divine. And she began to question everything – from the way she spent her days blindly checking off her list of things to do, to her disconnected relationship with her husband, to her passion for painting that she had never fully acknowledged or manifested.

In my novel The Gossamer Thread, one of the characters, Steven is diagnosed with esophageal cancer.  Like my client, he undergoes a sense of urgency that he must be proactive: “To make the decision to live, he had to be wholly committed to his life. He could no longer live in a semi-conscious state, hoping and telling himself that tomorrow he would recognize his dreams or become satisfied with his relationship. The time to awaken was now – to be fully alive, he had to be completely devoted to himself, his dreams, his life.”

When we are told we could have cancer or are labeled as a cancer patient, our whole life flashes before our eyes. All of the days that melded into one another now become crystal clear. We embrace time much differently than we did before. We no longer crave sleep, we yearn to be awake, to exhale the air around us as if it were our last breath. For we now recognize that the script we are in will end in just a few pages and that our last brush strokes are drawing near – our book is closing, our breath is waning.

The character Feather in my novel teaches us to embrace life (and death) with this urgent awareness. Urgent – not connoting anxiety, but signifying the fleetingness of time and the ephemeral quality of our nature. We must listen to Feather for she is within us. We are only visitors here, fallen from an Angel’s wing or from another dimension, longing to return back to our original home. The sicknesses we encounter, the hatred and the ugliness that envelops our planet are only reminders to fully embrace our lives with this sense of  urgency, welcoming and celebrating each and every moment.

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You cannot imagine how time can be so still.

Posted on January 1, 2011 by Dr. Jenni

In truth, it is like this:

You cannot imagine…

how time can be so still.

It hangs.

It weighs.

And yet there is so little of it.

It goes so slowly.

And yet it is so scarce.

(From the play W;t)

As the year comes to a close tonight, I meditate on time. In my arms I hold a two-month old baby. I think back on my pregnancy- how each day of the first and last trimester weighed heavily upon me – the never-ending morning sickness, the growing heaviness in my body, the aches and pains of my stretching belly.  And then, the miracle of her birth, entirely erasing those grueling days and nights of pregnancy as if they never even existed. And now – the sleepless nights, the backbreaking responsibility of being a mother, the never-ending feeling of compassion, love and duty to support my children the best I know how.  And like the pregnancy, soon these sleepless nights will quickly fade into pre-school performances, prom nights, graduations, weddings, new births…And in time, I will be sitting on a particular Tuesday or Wednesday in my rocking chair staring at the clock, watching it slowly tick by, pondering the stillness of the passing day.

As I rock her to sleep, I think of my two older children, now six and almost five. Do I remember holding them when they were babies? Their hands seem so big now, as they hold their iPods playing downloaded games from the Internet. When did this happen? Tonight I sat with them both as they fell asleep. In the moonlight, my two-month old looked so tiny against their larger frames. Earlier, we all watched the ball drop as a family as my older children stared at this strange phenomenon with both bewildered and excited eyes. Another year gone by, I think as I watch my new baby’s eyes twinkle at the flickering lights.

This growth, it happens so slowly, one hardly notices the smile that only slightly changes, the finger that only gradually lengthens. And then suddenly, one is shopping for clothes a size bigger. Another birthday shuffles by.  One says hello and good-bye to their sisters, their mother, their father on Thanksgiving or Christmas, and with this gap of time, one does begin to notice – their mother’s face has changed, ever so faintly. She looks older, more stressed then the time before. And the leaves change colors as one says good-bye, until the next birthday or holiday comes to pass and she or he visits again.

Today I took my two-month old on a walk and breathed the air for what seemed like the first time in many, many months. I breathed as if it were the first and the last time. An old English professor once told me – this is how I should live my life, like every experience is both my first and my last – as if we are a newborn and as if we will die at a moment’s notice. He said we must touch a leaf as if we’ve never touched it before and as if we never will again. We must drink a glass of wine as if it is our first as well as our last. We must enjoy our experiences to their fullest., taking in each and every moment.

It is my “resolution” this year to celebrate each moment I am given.  To not simply trudge through life feeling weighted down and victimized by time. Every second is a miracle, whether it is painful or whether it is beautiful.

In my novel, The Gossamer Thread a rabbi sees death marching toward him in Auschwitz, a boy witnesses his father’s struggle with cancer, a woman grapples with her love relationship and an angel’s Feather ponders and meditates on the tenderness of being human . In our deepest quietest moments we are the angel’s feather, hovering between the mundane and the divine, witnessing earth’s travesties and earth’s miracles. We are only here temporarily floating through space like the Feather.  And it is up to us to embrace the fullness of this journey or to let it trickle without any memory through our tired fingers.

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Who is Santa Claus? Are Unicorns real? Is there really a Puff the Magic Dragon?

Posted on December 28, 2010 by Dr. Jenni

Although I am Jewish, my kids believe in Santa Claus (well – sort of). My four- year old believes in Unicorns (although she says if Santa doesn’t bring her one then he is NOT real.)  My six year old asked the other day ”Is there really a Puff the Magic dragon?”

Clearly the answers to these questions are, “Well no, of course not!”  But we adults cling onto these childhood myths, passing them down to our children as if they are completely genuine and real.

This “realness” was recently brought to my attention when my sister emailed me the website www.portablenorthpole.tv showing her adorable seven year old boy featured in a customized video from Santa Claus, detailing his age, his best friends, highlights (and uploaded pictures) from his year and what he may or may not receive for X-mas. The man playing Santa Claus looks exceedingly real, giving his guests a personalized tour of PNP, complete with his newest sweater-dressed reindeers and a peak into his cozy office. He spoke my sister’s little boys name as if he had known him for years, winking at him slyly when he asks if he had “listened to his parents.”

I myself got caught up in the excitement of this portable Santa Claus, creating videos for both of my children. Yet after I went to bed, I lay awake agonizing at what I had done crystallizing this fantasy to such an extent that it will be forever lodged in their imaginations.

The questions at hand are: To what extent do we as parents keep these childhood myths alive? Do we become liars or tricksters when we show them such technologically advanced videos that make it seem that Santa Claus is really watching them from the North Pole? Or does this “high-tech” imagery just match the society that we now live in, further highlighting and upholding these childhood myths in such an advanced manner that children have no way to deny the “realness” of these myths anymore? Can we now make imaginary figures so real that there is no room left to simply imagine them?  And how does this affect our children’s psyche when they discover just a few years later that Santa Claus or Unicorns were not real after all (despite all the “realness” they were shown)?

We are children for only a few short years. And as we become more and more technologically advanced this span of time can become even shorter.  Children age four own ipods, seven year olds read their books on Kindles, 3D movies can make kids’ imaginations literally come alive.  This technology can both add to our children’s growth as well as stunt it, stimulating their brains to operate more efficiently, yet leaving no room for them to imagine what Santa Claus would look like if he were real– because they have already received a personalized message from him via their parent’s email. They are simply given too much and shown too much, making it almost impossible for them to think up their own images of what is real and what isn’t.

My conclusion therefore is two-fold. We must keep our children’s imagination as raw and as alive as possible, challenging them to think of their own versions of these mythical stories without offering them all the answers. Yet we must also not turn our backs away from the technological world that we have now created. In Freud’s “Civilization and It’s Discontents” Freud addresses the fundamental paradox of Civilization: it is a tool we have created to protect ourselves from unhappiness, and yet it is our largest source of unhappiness. We have created a society that relies on the Internet and social networking to feel connected yet we are more disconnected as we have ever been. We have introduced hundreds of gadgets that seemingly make our lives more efficient and easy, yet our children feel their lives are more overwhelming than ever.

I am not going to be hard on myself for showing my kids these portable videos. I highly doubt that it will have a lasting affect on their psyche. Yet, we as parents must be exceedingly careful in how we use technology with our children. Technology can never and should never replace imagination.  In Robert Romanyshyn’s Technology as Symptom and Dream he reminds us that we “have become prisoners of our own creations, prisoners in our own dreams.”  Technology has become a symptom of this imprisonment and we wind up with “an interiorized soul without a world, and an in-animate world, a world without soul.”

We must challenge ourselves to weave our imaginations with our growing “technologized” world. We must help our children keep their soul alive (both internally ad externally), contextualizing childhood myths without diminishing the power of these  stories.

In my novel The Gossamer Thread a magical realistic Feather who falls from an angel’s wings serves as one of the narrators. When one reads the story they know intellectually that this Feather did not really fall from an angel’s wings. Yet, the reader buys into the story because of the power of myth.  The story takes place in a very real world, a world surrounded by prejudice, sickness, murder and love, tenderness and a connection to other human beings and to the Divine. Yet the Feather is just as real of a character as the psychologist who questions her identity, relationship and connection to God.

Myths, which are introduced in childhood help us connect to the Divine, to that unknown, otherworldly place that nobody can clearly imagine or define.  Keeping myth alive in childhood helps us as we grow into adults tolerate and bear the world that we inhabit.

And as we close our eyes and enter our night dreams, who is really to say that Santa Claus is not real? That Unicorns do not exist? And that Puff the Magic Dragon does not inhabit a dark cave hidden somewhere in the interstices of this world space? For as we march forward toward Death, perhaps our dreams, imaginings and myths are just as real as the day world that ultimately we will all leave behind.

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In what way do you need to be renewed?

Posted on December 21, 2010 by Dr. Jenni

12/18/10

In my novel, The Gossamer Thread the character Feather feels incredibly sad and despondent about what is happening on planet Earth. Initially, she lands in Auschwitz into the hands of a rabbi that is about to be executed. After the war ends she travels with the rabbi’s surviving daughter Isabella to South Africa where Apartheid is in full swing.  For many years in South Africa she lies dormant in Isabella’s diary until Isabella’s American granddaughter discovers her and sets her free.

In America, Feather continues to feel saddened as she helps a young boy’s father undergo treatment for cancer. Feather longs to return to her mother, the Angel of Prayer to gain more clarity about all of the sorrow she has witnessed on earth. By chance, the Wind carries her back to her mother where she is slowly transformed and renewed.

As the New Year, 2011 approaches, we all must ask ourselves: In what way do we need to be transformed and renewed? As we look around our planet, there is much despair. In every corner lies sadness, tragedy, war, anger and hatred.  Yet, around the next corner lies much joy, love, hope and sweetness. Like Feather, we must quiet our souls, look inward and joy and hope will infiltrate our beings. Our Angel of Prayer is waiting to renew us at all times. It is up to us to find our inner Feather and return to our Angel to understand her (and ultimately our) mythical powers.

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Feather does not judge, she listens…

Posted on December 17, 2010 by Dr. Jenni

The character Feather in my novel The Gossamer Thread materializes for those who desperately need her.  She does not judge based on religion.  If a person is in need she hears their prayers and appears to help them. Her mother, the Angel of Prayer has been advised by Source, (the creator of all things large and small) to listen and help without judgment.

The holidays are here. It is time, like Feather to listen, help others and celebrate life without judgment. Whatever religion you are or holiday you rejoice in, whether it is Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, etc. let your kindness permeate everyone that you touch.  Like Feather, you were born from something magical, whether it was from an Angel’s wings or something Unknown.

Not only during the holidays but all throughout the year, sprinkle this magic on everyone that enters your realm. Let them feel and experience your otherworldliness and you will find that not only does this enrich you, it nourishes our entire planet.

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With what or whom did you connect today?

Posted on December 15, 2010 by Dr. Jenni

With what or with whom did you connect today? Was it your child? Your mother? Your friend? Your wife? Your husband? Your pet? Was it a tree? A flower? A bug? A bird? Was it a computer screen? A Blackberry? A television set? A car? A bill? Did you stay in your own insulated world, checking off your lists of things to do? Staring at your barrage of emails? Did you race from here to there without stopping to kiss your partner, to stare into your child’s eyes and tell them that you love them? To pet your dog softly on the head? To breathe in the air around you?

As I state in one of my Art in Mind stories, Soul Mates, “we are all sitting in our own corner of the world wishing for the same thing.” We all crave connection – wishing to be heard and understood.  Wanting to be hugged. Yearning to be told we are loved. Craving a connection with the natural world.

Too often these days instead of reaching out to our loved ones and appreciating the small, precious moments we are given, we make contact with our technological replacements, filling our minds and bodies with hollowness, vacancies and walls. These walls grow and harden each day, creating more and more distance between those that we love, sending us into a state of loneliness and fear. These walls create doubt, uncertainty and a constant questioning of our soul’s purpose.

It has been said, “Be the change you want to become.” Creating connection and community begins with awareness. Take this opportunity to break down these walls. Do something unexpected for someone that you love. Almost immediately these walls will dissipate and you will feel a sense of renewed love and energy.

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