I’ll never forget a couple that I saw years ago who came into my office stating plainly that they were getting a divorce. They had selected me as the future therapist for their seven year old little girl (who I’ll call Chantelle). At opposite ends of the couch the couple sat, their arms decidedly crossed, their backs turned toward one another, their eyes staring off into a future, which with any luck offered a better life than the one that had come to pass.
As a litany of complaints about their dismal, failed relationship began, daggers whizzed across the couch, both mother and father staring me down, highly suspicious of any collusion or conspiracy on my part. The mother said with anger flaring from her nostrils: “He was never home enough.” “He tried to control me.” “All the burden of raising our daughter was on me.” He pipes back with contempt: “I was never good enough for her. “What does she want from me?” “No matter what, all she wants is MORE, MORE, MORE!”
Their conversation jumped to how their relationship slowly disintegrated — she fell out of love, she never gave him what he needed, then toward blame, a “he said/she said” back and forth, then on their darling daughter whom they both dearly love. At this point, a wealth of anxiety ensued about custody, financial arrangements and what the future held for both parents. Each had sought out an attorney, but nothing had yet been officially signed.
As this angst increased, the man turned toward me, stood up and motioned with his hand, a line down the middle of the couch. “From now on it’s fitty fitty,” he said in his accent, staring at me, spit spraying from his mouth. “Fitty/Fitty, split down the middle. That’s fair. Everything’s divided evenly – money, house, custody. Everything!”
I sat staring at both parents and thought about their little girl sitting at home with her grandmother. Is this fair? I wondered.
Too often, when we react out of abandonment, blame, anger or hurt our first response is to become defensive and selfish. This self protective behavior only creates more of the feelings that we are defending against and unfortunately it is those that we love that end up getting hurt. Whatever situation you are in right now, try to step out of this “fitty/fitty” mentality and recognize that whatever you give you will get back. It is important to set appropriate boundaries, however it is also valuable to be generous with one’s thoughts and actions.
In my practice, I try to help my clients understand that whatever thoughts or feelings that they are putting out there in the universe, this is what they are going to get back. If they treat their mother, partner or friend with disrespect, in one form or another they will be disrespected. If they move beyond the “fitty/fitty” mentality and give more of themselves, they will always get back much more then they expected.