What makes a relationship sustainable, connected and enjoyable?

illustration from Soul Mates (www.jennisart.com)

I have been seeing couples for over fifteen years in my private practice, the Center for Creative Psychology. During our first session, all couples sit on opposite sides of my couch, their arms crossed, their eyes averting one another, their focus – ME. From the get go, each person is desperately trying to convince me that their side of the story is right and their partner’s is just plain wrong. I watch this “back and forth battle” for a while, nodding silently to myself, knowing that the secret here lies not with my impressions of who is right or wrong, but in the couple’s ability to connect with one another, to become intimate – to emotionally touch.

We all have the innate need to be heard, appreciated and understood. In any relationship we are not going to feel 100% of these things all the time. I remember a client who came to me who had been married for about seven years. She had just recently had her first baby and was distressed that her marriage was not a happy one.  In one of our sessions she asked with much anxiety in her eyes, “What are marriages supposed to look like? Feel like?” Part of the reason she was so distraught was that she had the impression that being married meant you were supposed to be “happy” most of the time. During this session, we discussed the truth about marriage – i.e. it is not happy all the time. Both husband and wife come from different backgrounds, are navigating different career paths, have different emotional, spiritual and physical needs, possesses different parenting styles, etc. Finding one’s way through these differences without having the communication skills can create much unhappiness, anxiety and anger.

With Valentines day on the horizon, I felt the need to clarify some of the cultural hype (that we view through TV shows, the internet, music videos, etc.) that creates these false impressions about marriage and relationships. When we see these artificial images as well as other couples around us that “appear” happy, we immediately think that something is wrong with our relationship.  Instead of jumping to these conclusions, we must remind ourselves that marriage is not easy – it is a daily challenge.  Like a growing garden, it  is something that needs to be tended to on a daily basis.

When pruning our roses or planting new growth, we must treat our seedlings, flowers and plants with the utmost love and care. We must wonder: What do you need today? More water? More light? More attention? More care?  In the same way, we must look toward our partner and ask these crucial questions.

We are a narcissistic society, always needing and wanting what is best for us. From the time we are infants we crave affection, love and care. This yearning for comfort continues and is projected onto our relationships, onto those who are closest to us.

In my novel The Gossamer Thread the main character is a psychologist who is struggling with her own relationship issues. The following is an excerpt of her own thoughts after a difficult session she had with a couple:

I stare at the clock as they continue their assault on one another. They are both tired, worn out, depleted of their energy. All I can do is reflect back to them what they are telling me, empathize with how hard it is for both of them and try to reframe the negativity that is completely consuming their relationship.

I wonder if this is what I have to look forward to — this bashing, this condemnation, this never-ending judgment and blaming. I wonder if this invariable witnessing of unhappiness is what has kept me from getting married. The more couples I hear bickering and struggling in my office, the more I want to be single, solitary, traveling around the world, with no thoughts of ever settling down with another human being.

This psychologist has much to learn about herself, about her own soul and journey before she will find happiness in her relationship. As I always tell clients, “You can’t find your mate, until you find your soul.”

Thus, instead of staring outside of your relationship and complaining about what is WRONG, think about what it is that would make both you and your partner smile today. How can you enlighten your own self, your own soul – so that you are seeing the glass half full and not half empty? How can you provide your partner with more light, more attention, more care? This slight shift in your thinking, away from those things that are broken and toward those things that are potentially satisfying and whole will bring you closer to your soul and gift you back with the love that you so deeply crave.