Recently I began attending a meditation class. Although it has been challenging to sit still and simply allow myself to focus ONLY on my breath (my mind is constantly darting back and forth like a caged tiger full of its own intentions), it has been ultimately freeing to know that at any time, no matter where I am or who I’m with, I can always return to my breath. This knowledge of RETURN to my body, without my mind constantly, urgently driving and controlling its outer shell, is like a wonderful sinking into a natural, relaxing inner hot spring. Deep inside myself lies a pool of insight, softly flowing and bubbling to the surface, now more often than before I became a mom with three kids.
I have experienced this pool of insight before, during my Ph.D. program in depth psychology and during my time spent in psychotherapy where I felt fully focused on my dream life, journaling and remembering every detail of my dreams, constantly analyzing these beautiful and strange images against my conscious life. Having many epiphanies about my past I was able to merge these epiphanies into my present – mainly through dream images that helped me understand my unconscious and allowed me to begin reshaping archetypes or complexes that kept me previously stuck. Soon, I began to gain clarity about my identity and purpose, moving forward in my life, being guided by my inner dream life.
Having children brought me further away from this inner life into a hectic, bustling outer life filled with the huge responsibilities of caring for three young lives. The clarity I once new was overtaken with crying babies, running after toddlers, driving kids back and forth to school, etc. Yet, the inner voices still tugged at me, urging me to continue to listen to my dream images, which now were interrupted versions of the once long, drawn out dream stories I remembered before kids. Catching a glimpse here and there of what my yearnings and desires were through my dreams, I knew that I needed to re-clarify and redesign my identity. I knew that part of this reshaping meant shedding some of my identification with being a psychotherapist and turning toward the more creative part of myself that needed to be seen and heard. I finished the novel I started during my Ph.D. program about a feather who falls from an angel’s wings, finding herself in the hands of a conflicted psychologist.
As I turned back toward this project and toward other creative endeavors, part of me felt blocked with excuses. “I have no time” “I have no artists studio” “I need to practice psychology in order to make money” What the meditation class has assisted me with is an understanding and recognizing that although I don’t have adequate time or the proper space or perhaps the money to hold these creations, my own breath, my own body remains the vehicle to completely contain whatever it is that I need. Money translates into good energy coming toward you when you are doing something you ultimately love. The good energy and intentions surrounding them will bring an enormous return and reward.
My training as a depth psychologist, my own psychotherapy and many years that I have spent helping others in my practice, coupled with the meditation class have helped me gain a sense of clarity about myself and my vision for my future. If I am to take what I have learned in my practice as a psychotherapist and translate that into either writing, art (or both combined) I need to be fully present with myself, my children, my partner, my clients and the stories that I endeavor to write and create. Having clarity of mind is the key to moving toward ones visions and having ones dreams come to fruition.